Sunday, December 19, 2010

How Did I Get Here?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching this past year. A lot. Part of my weight loss journey has made me face lots of things about myself. Things that I am not proud of. But, what's past is past, and I shouldn't dwell on it. Here are a few thoughts.

How did I get here? When I go to the Weight Watchers meetings, I hear lots of stories. Most of them are from women who have been heavy their entire life. As a child and then growing into a woman. Not me. I was skinny as a teenager. Tiny. Of course, I didn't see it that way as a teenager. I weighed 115 pounds when I got married.

So when did I get fat? You don't just wake up one day and you are fat. I can't put my finger on exactly when it happened. Clothes get tighter and you just go buy more. Slowly, you don't want to look in the mirror. You don't want your picture taken. You just don't look.

I have cheated myself out of so much the past 28 years. I can say that now. I wish I would have had someone to tell me that then. I look at my scrapbooks. There are pictures of everyone else but me. I mean someone had to take the pictures, right? Fact is, I didn't want to see myself. It might have made me do something about it. But, I have been unfair to my family. Someday, when I am gone, my girls are going to ask why there are no pictures of mom.

So, I don't know when I decided to open my eyes and look. Look at myself and decide it was time to do something. My journey is far from over. I have worked hard for over a year to reach my goal weight. Only to find that it is scary. Really, scarier than losing weight. Everyday is a struggle. I hope I continue to have the strength to keep it off!


  1. I found that losing the weight was much better than keeping it off. For me, though, I went through a VERY stressful period for about six months, and that tipped the scales back out of my favor. I've done pretty well this fall, and I'm just working on maintaining through the holidays. After all the crazy parties are over, I am back on that horse again. I'm cheering for you! You can do it!

  2. I can relate. Matter of fact there was a period of time, not too long ago, where I would actually sit down and 'delete' any photo from our digital camera and photo files that had me in them. I too was pretty thin at my wedding actually about 106 pounds and I am 5ft 4inches.

    For me, I did start to gain weight suddenly as I ran a rescue group and things got more and more stressful, people would kid with me saying I worked 24/7 and never slept. In general I didn't take care of myself. A genetic disease took hold and I because sick (though the cause was not apparent for sometime) during that time I gained weight and was just sick all the time, and tired. After I was diagnosed (took years), I was healthy, but gained weight partly due to some meds I was on and early menopause. However, so disgusted with myself, I got rid of all the photos I was in and mostly made sure I took the photos - as you said, so I wouldn't be in them.

    I finally just decided I had to get control of this or I'd be diabetic as well. So for the first time in a long time, I have lost weight and continue to lose (though not as quickly as I'd like....) and I leave the photos alone.

    It is all part and parcel with deciding you like yourself, beauty comes from inside you and you are truly a beautiful person!
    I am in your corner! Don't give up you will reach your goal, if nothing else you owe it to yourself. Hugs.

  3. I know they say not to focus on weight, but I manage by weighing myself several times a week. I would much rather do something about my weight when we are only talking two pounds. I do not not want to wait till clothes are tight or I can see it.

  4. Well, I'm proud of you! I think it takes gumption to stick to a WW program, and you've done it and look great! You deserve a round of applause, and I hope you can hear me clapping for you...


    Sheila :-)